If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
