I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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