hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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