oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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