At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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