i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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