please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
