Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
