Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
