My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
