are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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