Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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