The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
