i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
