I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
