please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
