Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
