I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
