I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
