That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
