Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Never joke about your clitoris.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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