this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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