FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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