i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Houston, we have a blender
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
