You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
