I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
