I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
