I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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