It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
