I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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