oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize