This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
