I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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