im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize