are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
