In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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