I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
