8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
