I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize