we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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