puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
