i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
