ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
