I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
