when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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