Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
