I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
