there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
