I hate all girls vehemently.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
