Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
