true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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