the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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