never play flip cup with pint glasses
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I want a musical about memes.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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