oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just forgot I was standing up.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
