i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
