Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
