This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
