You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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