Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
