I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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