girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
